I guess I've always needed to be needed by someone...

pandorasxbox @ 2009-03-24T20:41:00

2009-03-25T00:58:38Z

I realized part of the reason I used to love things like Goosebumps and Are You Afraid of the Dark? so much when I was a kid: they didn't always have a happy ending. It was so completely unpredictable.

I remember quite a few books by R.L. Stein that did this. Calling All Freaks, the main guy eventually gets seduced by the freaks. How To Be A Vampire, the kid is totally chill with being a vampire once his master is out of the picture. This Girl Who Cried Monster, the girl finds out that she herself is a monster at the end.

The same with Are You Afraid of the Dark?. Not as many examples spring to mind, but they still are there. There was that one episode with the chameleons. There was also the one where the guy was being haunted by the girl, only to later realize that he himself was dead, which doesn't fit what I'm talking about as well but, since it's one of my favorite episodes, gets a mention here.

I kind of miss having the bad guys have a real chance at winning. I miss seeing the good guy get seduced by the evil they've been fighting.

I've realized that that's what's missing in a lot of stories I see now. When the bad guys do win, it's usually tragic. It tends to miss the sort of "watching a train wreck" quality that makes it fascinating. If you get morally ambiguous characters, they're striving to be good, to do the right thing. The bad ones are despicable. The good ones won't even consider switching sides. It all gets terrible predictable, and it certainly makes things less interesting.

Maybe I'm just not reading the right books, or watching the right movies.

Does any of this make sense?

pandorasxbox @ 2009-03-23T02:51:00

2009-03-23T07:10:54Z

I just watched the Battlestar Galactica finale, and I feel that I need to talk about it. I was expecting to cry, at least a little, especially when everything looked like it was going to hell. But those that died- they died peacefully. Everything was as it was supposed to be. I really do think that it was one of the most perfect finales I've seen. The bit at the end with Gaius and Caprica was a bit unnecessary, but I did like how Hera became mitcondrial Eve.

I can see the shadow of my fingers as I type and it's actually kind of cool.

I just think that in a strange way I'm at peace. I've gotten past the worst of it. It's not quite over, but what's done is done. Warnings have been issued. I had a nice peaceful weekend- I needed that. I really was about to fall off into a very bad place. There was food, and friends. I read for fun, and splurged on myself. These sort of moments are rare. I like to document them. The last time I remember being quite this at peace is during early last fall.

I do hate how fleeting this can be. Tomorrow will be a giant cram session, and work, and stress. But I don't want to think about it.

I'm getting excited about next year. Oddly, it's mostly about being able to teach myself to cook. I want to get a steamer. I can see myself living off rice with vegetables or noodles and vegetables, or other cheap things. But I do want to experiment. I found the recipe for chicken tikka masala, and I want to learn to cook Polish food, and I want to be able to take care of myself beyond spaghetti with tomato sauce and ramen

In a cursing mood I am

2009-03-17T22:02:31Z

FUCK IT
Fuck it all.

You know what? Today was shit. I really cannot remember the last time I hated life this much.
- I'm running on about 2 hours of sleep.
- I had my show today, and fucked up all over the place
- I failed a burning a cd, which is not that hard.
- I went to the library, spent like 2 hours working on a paper. Got back to my room, opened the file, and realized nothing had saved.
- Speaking of which, some sort of strange autoformat turned itself on, where, if I wanted it to look normal, I had to tab before going to the next line (otherwise the entire section would go with it) and press shift when going to the next line (otherwise it would be some strange spacing, one that is bigger than double)
- So I rewrite the goddamn section, very horribly. I only have notes from the first third of the book.
- Then technology hates me some more, and I'm 15 minutes late for class, which I suspect is going to hurt my grade, which, given the badly written last section, is already going to be bad. Except, since I already withdrew last semester, I can't withdraw. And I don't want to, because I enjoy this class a lot. I'm just going to fucking fail it.
- Also, the coffee is catching up to me and I feel nauseous as fuck right now. Ordinarily I don't drink more than 2 cups of tea in a day, and Sodexho coffee turns my insides to mush. For the past few days, I've been drinking 3-4 cups (at least) just to keep functioning. It's either that, or possibly that I'm getting sick. I'd rather go with the coffee overload myself, simply because I want to have a genuinely nice birthday. Last birthday was nice, except for me coming down with bronchitis and the flu the next day.
- And I still have a shitload of work to get done tonight.

At least I have this weekend to look forward to. At the same time, that time off from gettting shit done will kick me in the ass- I have a midterm next Tuesday, have to get two paper topics picked out and discuss with professors, go to advisors (one of whom is fortunately one of the aforementioned professors), send out applications for internships, and keep up with all the small shit that needs doing.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-03-03T21:51:00

2009-03-04T02:52:37Z

Fuck this shit.
(i miss my happy place. and my sanity.)

pandorasxbox @ 2009-02-22T23:46:00

2009-02-23T05:12:06Z

"I traded all the innocence I ever had for hesitation."
This song was stuck in my head all day, driving me crazy just a little. It does have some really insightful stuff though.

Today I found out that next year, there may be at least one student manager position open next year, maybe two. I really want to- I feel that I would be really good at it. Yet I feel that I won't get it. I know I should say something, but being that sort of assertive is hard for me.

On another note, today, on a whim, I bought pączki, which are Polish donuts (Wegmans in general is very Polish friendly). Then I looked them up on Wikipedia and found out that they're traditionally eaten on Fat Tuesday, which is this Tuesday. I was amused. Also on a whim, I bought some rose water. I need to find something to use it for.

I officially have a place to live next semester, with a signed lease and all. It may not have access to natural light, but that would have cost me $70 more a month, so I'll do without. I'm really curious to see what water tastes off campus (meaning: will I be start drinking tap water and stop killing the earth with my bottled water).

I feel that I should be stressed out. I'm not, and that usually does not bode well.

Note to self: Netflix movie fell behind the dresser. Get it eventually.

Moods

2009-02-14T08:10:45Z

I just found "La Vie Deatheater" in a random folder. I'd forgotten all about it, but it still left me grinning like an idiot. In that same folder was the photo from Halloween of senior year. I can be incredibly nostaligic at times. It just brings back happy memories.

I'm also feeling really artistic at the moment. I've made some magnets, and then I made a collage. I think I may write a little bit for a while before going to bed, or maybe play with Photoshop.

I'm being incredibly undecisive otherwise. Shouldl I stay or should I go (now). Do I want to do laundry now or not. (I also kind of want to either watch something involving Joss Whedon, or go and reread an Animorph book.)

All in all, this moment- it's not really a bad place to be.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-02-14T00:15:00

2009-02-14T05:21:04Z

The universe seems apologetic, somehow. I can live with that. I hated wallowing in self-pity anyway.

Magnets fascinate me. I really don't want to know the science behind them, but I like playing with them. And now, I can can totally go arts and crafts on them, and play with the ones I haven't used yet.

I found a place to live for next year. For real this time. Have the deposit and everything. The signing of the lease will follow shortly, hopefully.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-02-03T03:18:00

2009-02-03T08:26:53Z

I wish that Itunes have some sort of tagging system, so that you could assign tags to individual songs instead of making a playlist for two to three songs that belong together, so that you could search your library by keywords. It would make my life just a little easier.

I just discovered that Google Maps has this feature where you can literally see a 360 image of a street. I saw the front of my building, and my car in the parking lot, and was a bit weirded out. What did stalkers do before the internet?

Today, I discovered that Nutella & Ferrero Roche are produced by the same (delicious) company. Yes, I am that slow.

(& yes, I am writing something. A 1 page response. That is how god awful my bullshitting skills have gotten)

pandorasxbox @ 2009-02-02T23:22:00

2009-02-03T04:27:31Z

From my reading for Politics of the European Union
"The European Union at 100", March 17, 2007

"The EU is celebrating its 100th birthday with quiet satisfaction. Predictions when it turned 50 that it was

doomed to irrelevance in a world dominated by America, China and India proved wide of the mark. A
turning-point was the bursting of America's housing bubble and the collapse of the dollar early in the
presidency of Barack Obama in 2010. But even more crucial were Germany's and France's efforts later in
that decade, under Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy respectively, to push through economic reforms.
These reforms produced a sharp fall in unemployment just as Europe began to enjoy a productivity spurt
from the spread of information technology. The eventual result was a growing labour shortage, which
was not resolved until the arrival of Turkey and Ukraine as full members in 2025. The accession soon
afterwards of the first north African country, Morocco, helped to prolong Europe's boom.
Of course it was not all plain sailing. The great Italian crisis of 2015, when the government of Gianfranco
Fini quit the single currency just as David Miliband's Britain was about to join, cast a long shadow. Yet
although Italian bondholders took a hit from the subsequent default and Italy's economy was soon
overtaken by Spain's, financial markets proved forgiving, and the government of Walter Veltroni
managed to rejoin the euro fairly quickly. Since then no country has been tempted to repeat Italy's
painful experiment.
About sponsorship
The other cause for quiet satisfaction has been the EU's foreign policy. In the dangerous second decade
of the century, when Vladimir Putin returned for a third term as Russian president and stood poised to
invade Ukraine, it was the EU that pushed the Obama administration to threaten massive nuclear
retaliation. The Ukraine crisis became a triumph for the EU foreign minister, Carl Bildt, prompting the
decision to go for a further big round of enlargement. It was ironic that, less than a decade later, Russia
itself lodged its first formal application for membership.
At the same time politicians in Brussels and Washington, grappling with the blocked Middle East peace
process, had a eureka moment. EU membership had worked, eventually, in Cyprus, which was reunified
in 2024; why not try it again? So it was that Israel and Palestine became the EU's 49th and 50th
members.
The big challenge now is what to do about Russia. Its application has been pending for 15 years. Some
say that it is too big, too poor and not European enough to join. But now that the tsar has been
symbolically restored, Russia has an impeccably democratic government. A previous tsar saved Europe
from Napoleon nearly 250 years ago. It would be apt to mark the anniversary by welcoming Russia back
into the European fold."

I can't seem to find an author, but it's a little weird. Cause you know... housing bubbles and Obama and all. So, I think I'll save this little bit and see how it turns out.

An entry to pass the time...

2009-01-25T04:40:55Z

I keep seeing the preview for Revolutionary Road. I really need to see it.
Also, Coraline. Because Tim Burton + Neil Gaiman = Something absolutely fantastic.

On occasion, I go on a Polish kick. I ended up ordering a box of Prince Polos, because they are delicious. That really has a lot to do with the fact that my mom has pretty much refused to buy them lately. I came back to school with two that I basically horded all break. Seriously- if she'd gotten me 3-4 to bring back to school, I wouldn't have ended up buying 28.

And I was going to try to save money this year XD Granted, I did sell an expensive textbook today, and I also worked for close to 7 hours, and work another 6 tomorrow. So it's okay, I guess?

I also kind of want to try to expand my cooking skills to include soups. I kind of want to try to make dill pickle soup. I've looked at a few recipes, and it doesn't seem expensive. I'd just need flour, a jar of dill pickles, broth, and an egg. I wanted to buy a small bag of flour anyway, to play with it. Milk I usually have around, and quite often have a hard time finishing. Butter and/or sour cream is generally available in the dining halls for free- I can even take a cup of sour cream home when I work. I also need to use the borsh base my mom gave me. All I really need for that is some things to make it hearty... so probably potatoes and maybe hotdogs.

I also need a sugar bowl of some sort, because pouring arbitrary amounts of sugar into my tea doesn't work very well. Oh, and breakfast is very difficult without milk. I only drink green and herbal teas without milk, so I can't have chai. I need milk in my coffee. Dry cereal, no matter in what quantity, is a snack, not a meal. I don't approve. I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

I arranged some of the books I've already bought to tell a story of sorts (in acsending order):
Witchcraft in Europe, 400-1700
What was Socialism, and What Comes Next?
Navigators of the Contemporary
(atop of which stands my Tardis. Doctor Who will save us all)
... I never said it was a good story.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-01-22T00:10:00

2009-01-22T05:12:33Z

I keep seeing the preview for Revolutionary Road. I really need to see it.
Also, Coraline. Because Tim Burton + Neil Gaiman = Something absolutely fantastic.

I never did get to the movies during break.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-01-18T23:26:00

2009-01-19T04:46:17Z

The more I think about it, the more I think that I can't do the smart thing, the expected thing. Once I get done with college, what to do? It would be smart to go to graduate school or get a job, especially now. But I think that I want to travel, at the very least for a bit during the summer after graduation. I think I'll seriously consider the Peace Corps. It's just this: I am never going to get this time back. Give me a few years and I'll have a job and a family and responsibilities. I'll be tied in place. Even if I get to work for the State Department, it'll still have responsibilities. Even if I get to live all over the world, it's not like I'll have time to enjoy it. I won't have time for that for decades. And when I'm old and have the time, I don't know if I'll still want it. As much as I want to see the world- to live life- I am also aware that I would be happy with a simply life as well. A small library, a well stocked kitchen, a small garden- that could make me happy.

I'm not going to talk to my parents about this- I doubt they'd approve. I'll just put as much money away as possible.

I think I'll still apply for grad school. I have a few schools I really love, and I want to try applying to an Ivy League at least once- just to see if I can get it.

Oh, I don't know. I'm really confused right now. A lot of it has to do with my personality: I'm a bizarre mix of rationality and fantasy. I have big dreams, but in the back of my head there's a little voice pestering me about responsibility. It makes itself very hard to ignore.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-01-18T17:53:00

2009-01-18T23:01:09Z

Today, I went to my sister's basketball game, and I came to the conclusion that when I have kids they won't be playing contact sports- the girls will be dancers and the boys will be swimmers (or vice versa or both: whatever floats their boat). If they really must play something like say basketball, their father will be responsible for taking them to games. At least then I won't have to see them get hurt.

(She handled the ball beautifully, by the way, but apparently her finger was hurt so she couldn't shoot.)

Today, I decided to bake. So far, I've produced cupcakes, and I'm halfway done with truffles. Scones will also find their way into and out of the oven. I'm trying to rid myself of the heavy cream I bought.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-01-09T20:46:00

2009-01-10T02:12:22Z

Before, my sister and I were looking at Viking names, picking some for ourselves. At one point, I picked "Gridr", which would make me a Viking hippie. Nifty.

Also, we were playing the letter game, and I can not for the life of me pronounce antithesis. I randomly develop a lisp, which is the weirdest thing. It breaks my heart, since I love that word.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-01-08T19:34:00

2009-01-09T00:39:30Z

Something I've realized about myself: I don't really like to be productive when there are people around, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just makes my parents think I'm lazy. But when it comes to things like making appointments, organizing my stuff, cleaning in general- I feel more comfortable doing it when I'm by myself for the most part. There are exceptions, but that's how it generally is.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-01-05T10:05:00

2009-01-05T15:13:00Z

Today, I feel like a fuck up. It's just one of those days when I can't seem to do anything right. Jury duty? If I had read it properly, I would have seen that I didn't need to be here today. School bill? Don't bother anyone about it til it's updated to include the loan. Even that cup of coffee was a mistake, since now I'm to jittery to just sit here and read. So I keep going online, and the battery is already running low (wasn't full to begin with).

On current events...

2009-01-03T18:59:27Z

About the new Doctor (Doctor Who, that is):
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
*whimper*
... maybe I just need to see him act?
At least we have Steven Moffat for executive producer, right?

About the fact that Israel just decided to invade Gaza:
My siblings and I were just talking about how stupid Israel was being, then we saw this.
*headdesk*
I had a mini-discussion with brother-child, in which we compared this to Russia and Georgia.
This is why I'm a Political Science major. For the lolz.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-01-02T22:14:00

2009-01-03T03:21:23Z

According to my siblings:
My brother will end up working at KFC
My sister will end up at Hooters
I will end up at Dennys
And we will all share an apartment because we won't be able to afford anything else.

Alternatively, they'll be loaded, and I'll mooch.

My brother would like me to announce to the world that he had a huge growth spurt. He did. It's a bit unsettling.

pandorasxbox @ 2009-01-02T15:57:00

2009-01-02T21:11:03Z

Arguing with my sister goes something like this:

Me: Polish food is delicious.
Sister: Eww... only weird people eat that disgusting eww *disgusted shudder* How do you eat it?
Me: A whole country in Europe eats it. And, comparatively, its a pretty big European country.
Sister: Lots of countries are bigger than Poland- Russia, China, Brazil.
Me: Lots of Russian people eat Polish-like food.
Sister: Well, I didn't say that Russians aren't stupid- it's just big!

*headdesk*
I do love her though.
But Polish food is delicious.

pandorasxbox @ 2008-12-31T23:37:00

2009-01-01T04:52:01Z

2008 is on it's way out... long live 2009 (hopefully).

I don't like complaining, but 2008 is just had more bad than good.
I've never been quite so miserable, and I hate it, and the people who put up with me when I got into bad moods don't know how grateful I am for it.
I've never been quite this worn out and tired, either. Hopefully, things will get better next semester. Things seem much more balanced then.
I've never been this unhealthy. I didn't even think of it until my mom mentioned something about us being healthy. But the thing is, this year, I wasn't. I've always gotten a cough during winter- my lungs don't take the cough well, but it was pretty bad. Just continuous hacking. And I managed to get the flu, which I've never had, not once, but twice. And injure myself quite a lot, at the very least busting my knee and twisting my ankle. All in all, it was not a healthy year.
I've never had this much bad luck with technology. Things break, I get that, but I don't think they should break at the rate they've been breaking all year. Laptop, cell phone, external harddrive, Ipod, at least 6 pairs of headphones. It's not normal.
I've never read so little. I think my total is less than 15 books? It's something really depressing, and I think that that might be part of why I was so miserable- I didn't get a chance to actively escape as much as I needed to. I didn't even watch as much television as I usually do. I didn't escape enough.

It has very little to redeem itself. My birthday was a lot of fun, especially when you consider the fact that my birthdays tend to be miserable. Having Obama win the election was a definite high, especially since it marked the first time I got to vote. A few days ago, when I got to see people, when everyone was suddenly there- that was fantastic. I needed that. But, other than that, nothing really comes to mind.

So, bring on 2009. It needs to be better.

(on a similar note, I've found myself becoming really superstitious lately. I can't be too careful.)

pandorasxbox @ 2008-12-22T22:21:00

2008-12-23T03:23:13Z

I've been rewatching Buffy recently, and I just really need to say this: Joss Whedon is possibly the only human being capable of making me laugh, cry, and feel freaked out in the space of about 2 minutes.

pandorasxbox @ 2008-12-22T12:36:00

2008-12-22T17:39:43Z

All my grades are up, and I finally feel the sense of relief that the end of this semester should have given me. It's over. It was a horrible, miserable, good-for-nothing semester, and it's over.

Now to go buy potatoes. And string beans.

pandorasxbox @ 2008-12-21T19:25:00

2008-12-22T00:33:17Z

io9 has officially tied Tastespotting as my favorite blog. Because it has a) proven that it's not all in my head and b) I'm a geek. Also, based the recipes I've bookmarked recently, I seem to be going through a spicy fish phase right now. I wish I could cook. At least I get to bake... from scratch. How exciting!

There is a possibility that the government doesn't want me to be pretty. I won't know for sure until about January 5. God damn.

pandorasxbox @ 2008-12-19T01:36:00

2008-12-19T06:37:05Z

I like the smell of lilacs. This is based on laundry detergent.

A thought that occurred to me: someday, someone else will live here.

pandorasxbox @ 2008-12-16T00:28:00

2008-12-16T05:39:46Z

I was reading my Political Science textbook, and I noticed some writing on the side of the page- "I *heart* you alot"
It's not very eloquent.
The feelings were not mutual.
So, I kept reading.
Apparently, one of the tenets of the Boy Scouts in "homosexual behavior is not morally straight"
So, I think I'll have to reconsider my feelings for the book. It made me smile.
The relationship may have moved from hate to mild dislike.

On another note, my luck? It's atrocious. I sprained my ankle today, timing which could only have been worse if it was right before a final as opposed to the night before. It's not good for studying- not only did it impede on studying, but it also took away my ability to go the the library, where I am able to study. Instead, I am stuck in my room, where I generally fail.